July 6, 2024

​

My dearest mommy, my "Queen," Granny, my everything....

  

While you are sleeping next to me and I have all the peace and quiet in the house I reach for my computer and start typing.

You are in a nice deep sleep but still you seem to have some pain even in your deep sleep.

The past few days have also been very intense for us and for that I first thank Daddy who takes such good care of you because you wish to stay at home yourself.

December 1, 2015 is the day I will never forget....

You were admitted in November because some tests had to be done but until that one day I didn't know anything.

You had to go into surgery on December 1, 2015 and I got the phonecall after the surgery that made my world fall apart because, what I didn't know then, you were in surgery for colon cancer and ovarian cancer.

And then your leaden journey of treatments and surgeries began.

Those first years I went to eat my sandwich with you every afternoon when you were having chemo, every appointment I went with you to the oncologist to stay informed about everything.

How many times did I hear that you only had 6 months to live and each time my heart broke into a thousand pieces.

 

From Aalst to UZ Gent to get that ugly disease out of your body with in Gent a very heavy operation for you. With every operation you underwent I sneaked into your room early in the morning to cuddle you before you went to the OR.

That one heavy operation in Ghent with your Hipec treatment is still a very heavy operation for all of us.
You were on the operating table for 13 hours and I didn't get an answer as to when everything would be ready.
So on my own I went to intensive care to wait for you and shortly afterwards you arrived and I was allowed to stay with you.
The image of you on the ventilator and surrounded by all possible devices is burned into my retina. Then in principle I was not allowed to stay but exceptionally I sat with you for an hour and a half until you woke up.

You cried out in pain and I stood powerless beside you, powerless yes because that is how we have felt these last few years while you fought that unfair battle.
A battle that I knew pretty quickly that one day you were going to lose because despite all the treatments you kept showing signs of that ugly cancer on your liver.
From metastases on the peritoneum to the liver itself, in the early years slightly on your lungs, you just kept going to every chemo treatment with shoulders raised.
Your oncologist who remained amazed by your positive attitude when she first told you the bad news... No tears and no sorrow for you but only strength to face this fight.
I'm pretty sure you also went into this process with a lot of trepidation because you still have unpleasant memories of Grandpa's lingering illness.

At home we never really talked much about this because it was difficult for Dad, we wanted to function as normally as possible and you continued to perform your role as a mom, as a wife not 100% but 200%.
You still made sure there was good food on the table, because how deliciously you can cook!
Accompanying me to the shows as if nothing was wrong because even to this day people are still shocked to read that you are losing the battle.

 

Our wonderful trip to America, how grateful I am for that.
3 wonderful weeks together as mother and daughter through the States with countless miles on the counter of the rental car.
From San Francisco to Yellowstone and then direction to Moab and Monument Valley and on to Las Vegas and Los Angeles.
Wonderful memories I have kept from this and Thank God we also got to share this with the world around us.
A trip I would do again right now with you but you are completely exhausted and your body is completely empty.
I remember I was laughing because I was being chased by the bison and you were in all your states because you were afraid they were faster than me.
And all the weird people in those towns, how we laughed at that tooth fairy with his beer belly or that man we could kick in his 'nuts.
A man does something for a dollar!
Gambling didn't work out for us, we didn't have much success in the casinos.
And those pushy Japanese you could see everywhere, that was the downside of that trip.
We enjoyed a sunset together every day in a different place because I had to go find one every day in a beautiful place.
That sleeping was already a little less pleasant because what a pack you could snore.
A trip forever in my heart.

Of course you loved to travel a lot, with Dad you also went on many trips and your favorite place was and remains Venice.

Every year you enjoyed your place in Italy, when I was looking for a gift I knew I could please you with overnight stays in your favorite city.
Masks with mounds we have at home, our whole house represents Venice.
Last year for the first time I joined you with Scout to see what you had your heart set on.
Well mom, I promise you and I told you so that some of yours will also remain in Venice.

 

I am grateful for those incredibly beautiful years in equestrian sports, no less than 28 years you and Dad shared the sport and passion for horses together.

The countless falls, and all those exclusions in my early years with my stubborn Kairouan to Olympia and our fantastically beautiful Olan Joan to then moving on to our own mare Emilia who gave us many foals.

You also did everything for my sport and so you also grew to be a very liked person in the Westland which later became HGVBB.

You became competition secretary there and every weekend you could be found at jumpings, God how much people liked to see you there because at least you were friendly and helpful.

I'm pretty sure you get to go back to work tomorrow.

You got to know many people, the merger with de Teugel and our annual appointment at "The Week of the Horse" in Affligem.

You then also went to work at Jumping Mechelen which you looked forward to so much and then I took over your position after you became ill.

Every time I said, mama ... Next year it will be your turn again, but unfortunately that turn did not come and since more than those 8 years I go in your place to Mechelen.

For me it is a great honor to take over mom's job.

We have spent so many beautiful moments together, I remember at the National competition young horses with our Sonesta as a 4 year old we two went out alone to ride the shows.

Very cozy among the two of us, mother and daughter.

Our competitions when I was a little girl, there was only one walking around with such a huge camera on her shoulders because dad was not a crack at filming.

I just had to look where a camera with a woman was walking around and I knew it was you.

From the Padenborre to the Mares Dream, from Zellik to Keerbergen, everywhere we were among horse friends every weekend.

Thankful that I have such beautiful and wonderful parents who always supported me very hard in this.
Of course, we first tried all the sports but without any success, my sights were soon set on horses.
For which I apologize mom and dad! It was also stronger than myself.

We had a very big heart not only for the horses but also for the cats and dogs we had, our beautiful Maya and Dragi, both waiting for you on their soft clouds, our Jules the cat who saw you as a mommy whom you also raised with the bottle, he who we thought didn't make it through the first night but became a strong and beautiful male.
We have had many animals together, birds, fish, and turtles who loved to eat minced meat.
A family with a big heart for animals and friends.

​

Puratos, your long-time employer a few minutes' drive from our home where you did a fantastic job.

I was always proud when I could visit you at work, in your beautiful desk decorated with photos of our family, among all those men where you could stand your ground but who also became huge friends.

Juan, Stéphane and the whole team who sat beside you with, as the icing on the cake, our beloved Jean-François whom we unfortunately we had to let go in 2017.
A heavy blow for all of us because Pienske was not only a colleague but also for me a mega big support.
When you became ill it was always first Pienske that I would call to give updates despite him also fighting a huge battle himself.
His loss still troubles us but we have new heart friends, his dear sister Malou, his brother Francis and his mom.
He deserves a place in my letter because still to this day I have a lot of grief.

My surgery still in Leuven, remember? I was so scared...
How often have I upset you with the doctors, the dentist has probably lost his hair because of me, the dermatologist won't forget me and I think I am still on the black list of UZ Jette because I have caused quite a stir there.
My poor mama who had to go home with me....

My admissions to the hospital as a little girl, topped off by my open leg fracture in the middle of exams when I was in first grade.
Pompadour, I'm never going to forget that horse how she sold a stomp right on my leg.
And mom who always came to the rescue.

I must have given you the fright of your life many times.

Mama always held my hand when I was in the emergency room, even though she had her own difficult treatment, she never left my side.

And then came for me the most beautiful day of my life, Scout's birth.
Very soon it became clear that you could become Scout's godmother and together we lived through that pregnancy.
You helped me wherever you could with preparing his birth sugar, buying clothes, nothing was lacking even before he was born.

And do you remember the surprise at the castle with the gender reveal?
A little boy was expected, I think you secretly liked that because actually you were expecting a boy 37 years ago but for some reason I must have changed my mind.
You had already decorated and prepared everything at home to come home with your 'Gregory'.
Bad luck mom...it turned out to be Audrey and I was named after Audrey Hepburn.

Now back to our Scout who decided on September 6, 2021 that enough was enough and decided to arrive.
My most important and biggest wish was that you were by my side the day of his birth and so I had to call you that one Monday to tell you to cancel your chemo that day because your grandson was coming.

 

By noon you were at my bedside until he was born, my only comfort in this difficult ordeal but unfortunately it became an emergency C-section and at 9:02 pm Scout was born.

I would never have dreamed of this moment 8.5 years ago because I was terrified that you would never meet my child and yet you did, on the contrary he is almost 3 years old.

Of course Scout didn't make it easy for us, no less than 3 operations in a short time and a whole problem in his belly resulting in a rare disease of the colon have given us all a heavy blow in the face, despite everything we had to endure with Scout you have always done your best for us.

I also decided then to move back closer to home and this still remains my most peaceful decision, back closer to mom and dad to also be able to see you again daily.

Scout could not wish for a better grandmother and godmother, one who also continues to go through fire for him during her own uphill battle.

No one will know the answer but how did you manage to fight for so long and be the strongest woman around for so long.

A lot of people look up to you and I hope you can be an example to many for a long time to come.

Grateful I am because you unexpectedly became a mom to me while already sitting with a diagnosis of incipient cervical cancer 38 years ago. Again a warm call to all women to get screened in a timely manner as this remains a huge taboo.

Grateful because you wanted so many tangible memories left behind, movies and millions of photos.

Grateful for being my support and my everything in all the bad and good times.

 

Remember mom, every Wednesday afternoon we spent together?

Did we go to the Westland shopping or the Basilix.
There I ran up my trauma shopping, store in store out... unforgettable moments all.
And weekly our regular fries day and every Friday morning a chocolate cake to take to school.
All those trips to the grandparents who also passed away way too early.
The countless trips we took, albums full of witnesses of all those beautiful moments.
The fright I gave you in Livigno when suddenly I could no longer be seen on the ski slope because I ended up on the slope next to it, all of Livigno in an uproar.

I believe I didn't make it easy for you at times and you would probably be nodding yes very hard right now.

Thank you dear Mom for being such a fantastically beautiful and sweet mom to me.

Thank you dear Granny for being such a super good grandmother and godmother to Scout.

Thank you for being such a confidant to me.

Thank you that I could always count on you

And thank you for all the opportunities you gave me in life.

 

I know and realize that the day you leave us is going to come and when we read this letter that day has already been.

I sincerely hope you still had a wonderful life with lots of love and friendship, that you were able to enjoy your childhood and I hope you don't regret anything.

As I have said 1,000 times, mommy I am super proud of you because what you have done, what you have resisted and what challenges you have faced... I don't think anyone will do better than you.

 

I also thank your oncologist, Nathalie van Heddeghem who also fought for you all those years because what is written on your CV has never been seen before.

I am never going to be able to show my full gratitude but you will forever have a place in our hearts because what you did leaves us speechless.

ALL the chances you gave mom, 8.5 years I still had my mom with me also thanks to you.

8.5 years is a very precious time that you have given me as a gift.

Very often you completely amazed them with your fighting spirit and your strength, your will to live which also gave her the strength to do everything for you.

Huge thank you to the whole Oncology team, Jolien, who always helped mom with her appointments, her favorite nurse Hugo who she told so much about at home.

The whole shift on the 4th in the day hospital who always helped mom so much during her chemo treatments.

I am obviously very sad but I also try to look back to a beautiful period that brought us closer together, 8.5y overshadowed by illness but also connected by a lot of love.

We are so grateful that you took such good care of us all those years, proud that you are my mom.

I keep believing that one day we will see each other again and until then I will keep throwing kisses to heaven along with our Pitou.

I will continue to tell him a lot about the wonderful Granny he had.

We will "blow" kisses to the stars while you watch over us.

My dear sweet mommy, my Queen I hope you are proud of us, I promise you I will always keep doing my best and follow in your footsteps.

As I also say, it is sadness when it was love but now we toast to your life and all you have given.

Thank you for everything my sweet mama.

 

Rest softly now without all that pain because you deserve that now.

 

I love you

​

Mouche